Why

Why do we chase after buildings and cars

Why do we chase after stability

Why do we chase after control and ownership

when we bring nothing with us into our graves

when our children would learn more with having less

when our envy comes from seeing other material possessions

Is conscience innate?

Is evil natural?

Did darkness come from where God came?

Did God create sin?

Why is there such beauty and such awfulness

Do opposites have to exist in order for us to understand anything?

Why does love make us all silly

Why does loss hurt so much

Who the fuck cares about sensations

What can you do with them
other than emote

People don’t want to be thankful for the basics
we want success, prestige, power

There is a version of me
that is sincere in her gratitude
that is emotional about the simple pleasures of life

There is another version of me
skeptical of humans
distrusting
endlessly building up walls
doubting the ones closest to me

There is an angry me
hateful
violent
that wants to hurt others
hurt myself

There is a melancholic me
which I suppress
because it is the most resilient
but I embrace it
when it rains
when I listen to soft music

There is no sexual me now
Sex is power play
where women are mostly oppressed
looked down upon
flattened, violated, strangled
There is an angry me

There is an intellectual me
lazy
that comes out before I sleep, mostly
or in the shower
or in the bus
but rarely when I am writing or reading

There is a version of me
that tears up at the thought of reunion and farewells
that romanticises the past
that wants to stay in school always
vulnerable
and weak

There is a confident me
smirking when I hear stupid words
condescending and arrogant
who tries to stare people down
A pitiful, laughable me

There is a me in pain
struggling
with stress and fear
with trying to build and break down my own walls
at the same time
She lives in the pit of my belly
clenching and unclenching
pulling all my innards into a black hole

There is a light that does not fade

There is a light that does not fade
it lurks in the depths of your eyes
cutting through air like a blade
every time we say our goodbyes

There is a light that does not fade
in my chest and between my eyebrows
sometimes glowing in the shade
sometimes burning and burning, like now

There is a light that does not fade
it lasts years, though I count by nights
after all I’ve thought and weighed
it just reaches higher heights

There is a light that does not fade
no matter how hard I try
so why am I so afraid
now that it might truly die

Anxiety

I close my eyes and ears
Feeling like I’m dangling in midair
Swimming in liquid
Numbness prickling at my skull

I close my mind and heart
Telling myself life’s like that
People come and go
No matter how much you care

So you really shouldn’t care
And I don’t really know what to do
Where to go
But that’s okay

We’re always nowhere
Or not where we want to be
Sometimes that’s the point
Of living

Always creating new goals
Passing old achievements by
They always end up as nothing
Memories maybe
If they’re amazing enough

I keep telling myself
Its really okay
To have a little bit
Even nothing
(only on especially dramatic days)

But the only reason why
I have to keep telling myself that
Is because I don’t think its really okay
Uncertainty isn’t comfortable

But it is inevitable no?

Yes I have money
To fly around
I earned some of it
I used some of my daddy’s too

Also I have no loans
Oh wait I do
To my dad
Haha

Luck
Fate
Ability
Opportunity

Call it what you want
I’m taking it at face value

How much I’m worth
Is subjective
Changes in different situations

Its a bit of everything
Which is never really nothing

You can’t control how people see you
much
If you try too hard
Its even less effective

It feels like I’m holding a fishing rod
And the line keeps pulling away
And its getting harder to hold it
Fingers bleeding, body tense

Then I slowly start letting a bit go
Its still hard but it gets a bit easier
The line pulls and pulls
And slowly I’m learning to let go

Its alright if I float on the ocean forever
We are all headed in the same direction anyway
We will all end up at the same place anyway
We will all die at some time anyway

On Death

When one is born, another dies

I see death everyday
I see it in my mother
I see it toy with her limbs
shaking and wobbling them
with sadistic glee

I see it waving in front of her eyes
making her eyeballs turn in their sockets
making her see black stars

I see death in my father
I see it in his drinking
I see it in his frowns
It hides his wallet
his keys his words
cheeky

I see death on television
I see death in the movies
happily hopping from character to character
or to pop its head out
only to disappear at the last minute

I see death outside my window
I see it when I close my eyes
I see it when I picture knives and bullets
enter my body
slowly

I see death in my cats
when they lick themselves raw
when they lie and waste away
because they have nowhere to go

I see death in those dancers
who are desperate to move
to push their bodies to the point of no return
they sprint towards it
at the speed of light

I hope death visits you
at the height of your exhilaration
at the peak of your adrenaline
so at the very least
you will finally be happy

And the world will continue
And death will continue
as it always has

That imaginary you

I have an obsession
That obsession is you

An imaginary you

Maybe because first loves
Bring so much baggage along with them
Even though the two of us
Never became anything
The baggage remained

Perhaps i knew you
As the tortured lover
And you were always so nice to everyone
And I carried with me
That image of you

And whenever I encountered unhappiness
In my loneliness or in my relationship
I think of you
And how perfect you would have been
Instead

In my head
You were always the perfect lover
The perfect friend
The one who understood me most

And I often found myself thinking
What if
More often than was healthy
So much that I became anxious

It was an obsession

Then I decided to ask
And it turned out negative
As I expected
But still
Disappointing

But the obsession did not go away
Just because I did something about it

Changing a habit requires
Time, effort and dedication

Now it floats up
Once in awhile
Sometimes I try and distract myself
Sometimes I let it fester in my mind

I want to talk to you about it
But its hard
Because it is an imaginary you
A you that you don’t know

And thus it would not really matter
What you think or say about it

Because both rejection and affirmation
Would fuel my obsession

But I do love you
Very much

The real you

I care for you
I want to spend time with you

Because you are so many things
That I treasure
And that reluctance to leave your company
Can only be described as love

And I wonder
If I told you all this
Would it lead to any change in reality

Or would it just be
As it always has been
Stuck in my head

An obsession
For an imaginary you

Three individuals

Many things are borne out of love
Not all those things are pleasant
But they are all beautiful
And bittersweet

The sweetest memory we have
Out of those that I can remember
And many more that I don’t
Is the one at the beach
We weren’t talking much
No heart-to-heart conversations
Minimal dialogue
Just playing with the water
Feeling the sand between our toes
Enjoying the breeze

We took some pictures
The two I liked the most
One of me
One of you
I was standing, looking into the distance
You were topless, kicking the waves
I took up half the image
You were barely visible, too far away to see your face
I was still
You were dynamic

We are two individuals
Living in two separate places
Moving through life independently
We work with other people
We know each other’s people
We connect often
But words and pictures are inadequate
Skype videos always leave a bitter aftertaste
We take aeroplanes, once or twice a year
See each other for awhile
Before living our independent lives again

The sweetest memory we have
Out of those that I can remember
And many more that I don’t
Is in the dance studio
I forgot what we were rehearsing for
But it was just us two
I was being a monkey
Instead of rehearsing seriously
All I wanted was to climb all over you
Instead of coming up with movements, like we were supposed to

“There’s cctv in here!”
Immediately guilty
And also immediately aware
I was having so much fun
Being in love
With a fellow dancer
Who could lift me high above his head
To think that
Hugging could be part of a job
How wonderful!

We are two individuals
Living in two separate places
Moving through life independently
We work with other people
We know each other’s people
We connect often
But words and pictures are inadequate
Skype videos always leave a bitter aftertaste
We take aeroplanes, once or twice a year
See each other for awhile
Before living our independent lives again

Many things are borne out of love
Not all those things are pleasant
But they are all beautiful
And bittersweet